In a weird mental place this week. Not sure how to even respond to it, but I guess that’s why I go to therapy now once a week (to find out). Feel helpless, sad and a bit lost.
I can’t avoid the feeling that this is all so surreal, that there either must be a mistake somewhere or that I’m going to go to the doctor and have them tell me it’s all gone, miracle! But I know that’s not only not realistic but beyond wishful thinking and into pure delusion. I have cancer.
I don’t know why I have cancer, however, and the lack of causality and my focusing on it a bit this week is bothering me. It’s impossible for me, being me, not to continuously go there, and it’s frustrating to say the least. Doctors have no idea so they tell me things like “there’s nothing you could have done differently,” but I know that not to be true. Everything has a cause — in this case science just doesn’t have the answer yet. And it’s probably something so complicated that the answer wouldn’t be an obvious one, a cocktail of variables that collided just right to fuck me but good.
My daughter is back on a “daddy” all of the time kick, which is sadly bittersweet. I love it, and her attention and desire to get another hug or share things with me, but I wonder how long I get to enjoy it. I despise that this time has to be tainted like that but I’m not sure how to avoid it — it’s not like the thoughts are intentionally dug up, they just appear. We walk to the playground in the early evening as a family and it’s hard to avoid the thoughts, as I watch her play and smile and giggle and experience, of how much more I get, of why this had to happen to me.
I need to get the fuck out of this mindset, I just haven’t the slightest idea how.
On the bright side I think I got most of a good night’s sleep last night … that’s a first in about 3 days, so hopefully I can repeat it tonight and get my mental, emotional and physical strength back up to at least some sort of base level soon.