Just waiting.

Been quiet because there hasn’t been much change recently.  I hang here at the villa all day, every day, although it’s not too bad.  Quiet, peaceful, and my family is here, so I don’t really want for anything.

Had the first really “bad” night last night, which is a shame because Saturday I was doing well.  Couldn’t sleep last night and started feeling nauseous around 4 am, and then the dark thoughts just crept in and finished the job.  I guess I’ve been in recovery mode so hard it didn’t occur to me until the dark hours last night that I most likely still have cancer and for all I know the transplant did nothing.  I know that’s defeatist thinking, just came out of nowhere.  I’ve had a pretty good attitude, surprisingly, leading up to this morning so it caught me unawares.

Ah well.  I was expecting ups and downs, so I shouldn’t be surprised when they happen.  I have 4 appointments left and then hopefully we’ll be heading home in a week.  The thought seems strange, somehow.  I crave nothing more than the normalcy of my old life but I just don’t think it exists anymore.

Author: uwfacepalm

Father, husband, portfolio manager, cancer victim (multiple myeloma since 2013). Trying to navigate this goddamn disease as best I can while enjoying what time I have left via those relationships, friends, the UFC, gaming, MMJ, diving and helping teach it before this all went down as a PADI Assistant Instructor and a Dive Guide at the Denver Aquarium (well, before my white blood cell count went to shit thanks to the chemo/disease).

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