An Unhappy Labor Day.

Just a quick Labor Day update.

I was released from the hospital after pneumonia and the back surgery in late August.  My back never stopped hurting — recently however my oncologist upgraded my drugs to OxyContin which, while not taking away all of the pain, made a significant difference.  I still cannot bend over to pick anything up and I feel like the pain hasn’t really changed a lot.

Tuesday I begin PACE round 4. I’m not entirely sure, especially with my back, that I’m ready for this but at least it’s the last one.  Unfortunately a good amount of my support here has vanished making this even more of a precarious situation — my caregiver is effectively hostile at this point and I don’t have a lot of places I feel comfortable turning.  I guess that means a lot of Uber in my future.

One of the things about cancer that I will never stop wondering at is how when you think you’ve seen how bad things can be it shows you something far more worse.  Between my back, my disease and what it’s brought out in those around me I’ve been in the darkest place I ever recall being in lately. I haven’t felt like writing or socializing. Constant pain, both physical and emotional, conspire to make each day a new exercise in discomfort within my own skin.

Each day I ask myself why I’m putting myself thought this, and each day the answer is harder to find.